It’s Time to Kick the Elf Off the Shelf

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I don’t know who created this creepy little elf guy to trick their kids into being good with his crazy high jinks at Christmastime, but he kind of gives me the willies and, in my humble, but wildly accurate opinion, I think it’s time to kick the Elf off the Shelf.

You know he creeps you out just a little bit, but I have an even better reason why it's time to kick the elf off the shelf.

I even wrote a poem to express my disdainful feeling towards said elf: Eh hem…

Tis the month before Christmas
And on many a shelf
With his painted on smile
Lurks that darn Christmas elf!
His beady eyes shifting
Perusing the room,
Looking for messes
To make all too soon.
His casually crossed legs
Leave no indication
He could be such a source
Of parental frustration.
But do not be fooled
By his innocent stare
He’s concocting a plan
From his high shelfy lair.
“Be good cuz I’m watching!”
Your kids hear him say
Glancing over their shoulder
In fear as they play.
And each night,
As they lie awake in their beds,
The vision of his creepy face
Fills their heads.
Where will he be
When they wake from their slumber?
The thought is more frightening
Than lightening and thunder.
And just like Jack-
In-the-Boxes and clowns
Are made to bring smiles,
But mostly bring frowns,
The elf seems so fun
In the bright light of day,
But when darkness falls
The fun melts away,
And leaves them a puddle
Of fear on the floor,
Imagining the elf
Will soon creep through the door
With that menacing grin
On his hard plastic face,
Leaving his messes all over the place.
It’s time to take Christmas
Back from the Elf
And kick that little snitch
Off of the shelf,
So visions of sugar plums
Can dance through their heads–
Not his creepy smile
As they lie in their beds.
Ok, I don’t know
What a sugar plum is
But, it has to be better
Than this crazy elf biz.
And for every elf
On a shelf we retire
I hope that instead
Our kids we’ll inspire
To choose everyday
Of their lives to be good
Because the Reason for the Season
Taught us that we should.

Ok- so maybe I am more creeped out by the elf than my children are. And I’m pretty sure I would be the one lying awake at night in horror because I forgot to move that dumb little guy and I don’t have the energy or brain power to come up with anything creative at 11pm. Seriously, though, do we not have enough on our plates already this time of year without having to worry about helping an elf make messes all over our house that we will then have to clean up? What is this madness? And how much time is that elf taking away from all the meaningful and magical things we could be doing with our children to help them feel the joy of the season? You know, like walking our children through Christmas-light-laden town squares in sub-zero temperatures and then letting them drink scalding hot chocolate that removes every taste bud from their little tongues so they can cry all the way home? Do you really want to miss out on those memories because you are too busy re-positioning some mischievous little elf? I didn’t think so.

But, I’m not heartless.  I mean, I don’t want to leave the creepy little guy unemployed just before Christmas. I’m sure he has mouths to feed.  So, I have taken the liberty of helping him expand his resume with a few more job titles that I think could suit him well. Like Elf on the Porch for instance.  His job description would include watching for neighbors approaching your porch with plates of fruitcake, at which point he could give them a dirty look that would send them screaming into the night.  Or, how about Elf in the Tree–  he could perch in the branches of your beautifully decorated Christmas tree waiting for a toddler to start waddling towards it with the intention of wreaking mass destruction and then do a creepy little elfy giggle that would make them avoid the tree like the plague for the rest of the season.  Or maybe Elf in the Closet– you know the one where you are hiding all the Christmas gifts? He could hang out there until your 12 year old decides to sneak a peak, only to be met with his shifty little eyes that will make him slam the door so quick you can be sure your secret will stay safe until Christmas morning.

And maybe he’s tired of the seasonal gig.  Maybe he’d like something a little more permanent and stable to support himself.  The Elf on the Porch could also be great year round to ensure that your teenage daughter’s doorstep scene at the end of a date stays as innocent as you would like it.  Nothing like moving in for a kiss only to be interrupted by a disapproving elf staring at you holding a mini shot gun. (Don’t worry. It would just be a pretend one.)  And your secret candy stash your kids keep sneaking into? Not with creepy elf on guard.  Of course, you’ll have to find a way to keep him from eating it all himself… But I think these jobs will really give him the opportunity to use his seamstress-given gifts to their fullest potential. Sometimes we all need a swift kick off our cozy little shelves- you know what I’m sayin’? I’m doing this guy a favor.

Though, I do have to admit, I am amused by the many pictures posted across Pinterest of the elf and his antics. Like these gems:

You know you think he's just a little bit creepy people. But here is an even better reason why It's Time to Kick the Elf Off the Shelf.

Pic via littlebitfunky.com

You know you think he's just a little bit creepy people. But here is an even better reason why It's Time to Kick the Elf Off the Shelf.

Pic via Jennifer Saintz Photography

You know you think he's just a little bit creepy people. But here is an even better reason why It's Time to Kick the Elf Off the Shelf.

Pic via mandywithmultiples.com

You know you think he's just a little bit creepy people. But here is an even better reason why It's Time to Kick the Elf Off the Shelf.

Pic via iheartnaptime.com

I applaud your creativity people. And honestly, if it brings you and your children joy and you love elfing it up, more power to you. The service-assignment elf is actually a pretty good idea. But, I just want exhausted mothers everywhere to know that doing the elf on the shelf tradition is not a requirement for you to be a good and fun mom during the holidays. I can barely remember to make sure the tooth fairy shows up at my house, so I’m pretty sure I would be a miserable failure at the elf on the shelf game. Because of this, I choose to sit this one out… And because-no joke-he’s creepy and I don’t need his beady little eyes following me where ever I go. Back off elf-man. My kids and I are perfectly capable of messing this house up all on our own. We don’t need any help from you, thank you very much.

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